Flying Away and Walking Home

So I’m doing this thing. Kind of a big deal. I left my kids, my home, my family, my job to embark upon this journey that has been a dream of mine for many years.

Just a few short weeks ago,  I was dropped off at the Mexican border to begin a 2700-ish mile hike back home along the Pacific Crest Trail.

Quite a few questions have come up, both prior to the trip and throughout these first few weeks, so I figured some answers might be a good place to start. I am acutely aware that I am not the typical hiker out here…IF there is such a thing as typical. According to my calculations*, approximately 67.9225% of the thru-hiker population consists of single, kidless twenty-somethings fresh out of college; 19.6975% are thirty and forty-somethings fitting a similar description (replace ‘college’ with ‘lucrative technology career’); 12.3796% are retirees or people with grown children and the flexibility to take several months away from normal life, and .0004% are single parents who left their babies, jobs, mortgages to walk this crazy path. Loosely estimating 2500 hikers out here (based on last year’s permits issued), well, you do the math. I have yet to meet anyone coming from similar circumstances. Since everyone makes assumptions based on the “typical,” that means I’ve encountered a surprising number of people who think I am 28 and are shocked to find out I have children. Because what kind of mother leaves her children for this long to walk through three states? That is perhaps the most difficult question of all and will probably take me the entire 2700 miles to answer completely.

1) Are you doing the entire trail? The short answer is “yes.” The most accurate answer is “it’s complicated.” The long answer is perhaps enough to justify an entire post, but I’ll give it a crack. I’m not the best planner. Anyone who adventures with me can attest to this fact. I’m a big fan of winging it off of nothing more than a loose outline. That’s not to say I don’t prepare. We check avalanche reports and the weather forecast, tell people where we’re going, what route we’re taking, and a general idea of timing with a solid “ish” factor built in. I am notorious for having all my gear in boxes in my car and tossing what I need in my pack at the trailhead.

Planning for the PCT is a different animal…because, I mean…several months vs. 3-4 days for starters…but with the necessary adjustments for scale of adventure, you can probably imagine what my planning looked like. I was still working full time up until a week and a half before leaving, still parenting, still taking mountain adventures (training?!?), still going to the gym, and all the normal bits of my very packed life. Fortunately for me, I met some awesome people who happened to have a similar start date and were willing to share their outline with me. I planned to start with them and hike together for the first week or two and re-evaluate from there.

Without getting into specifics, all plans have been thrown out the window at least nine times. So maybe there is something to be said for winging it? Anyway…the general plan is to walk from Mexico to Canada. Although there is an official trail, the actual trail changes every year. Already, we have encountered a couple of fire closures and an endangered toad closure is coming up shortly. Sometimes there are suggested alternate routes, but those often involve a number of highway miles. Sometimes people hitchhike around the closures, sometimes they take alternate footpaths, sometimes they risk the high fines ($2,500!!!) and go right through them. The PCT is technically a stock trail, graded for horses, not humans (think long, shallow, often frustrating switchbacks). In the upcoming miles, we’ll encounter a number of possible hiker only trails that detour from the official trail, some of which we’ll take if the mood strikes us. So although the specific path may vary, we are ultimately hiking our way from Mexico to Canada.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on what counts as a thru-hike. The mantra on repeat around these parts, “hike your own hike,” is how I like to look at it. Some people won’t count their hike as a true thru-hike unless they set foot on every section of official trail. Some people feel they need to touch every section of open trail, even if that means hiking (insert random number) miles to the official closure signs and back out. Some people define a true thru-hike as a continuous foot path from Mexico to Canada, regardless of whether those miles are along a busy, miserable highway or on the actual trail. As for me and my hike, I am hiking as much of the official PCT as is possible, allowing for whatever detours feel reasonable, comfortable, exciting, or necessary at the time. So far, we have mostly chosen to avoid highway alternates and instead allow time to experience more interesting places. We have a limited time frame for this journey and would rather spend time bagging off-trail peaks than walking along a hot, uncomfortable, boring-ass highway…even if that means we hitchhike around the fire closures.

I am carrying a Delorme InReach, mainly for safety purposes. It has the side advantage of tracking distance, speed, and elevation (assuming I can keep it charged on the often long stretches between towns). My goal is to accumulate at least as much mileage and elevation gain as I would if I were sticking exactly to the official trail. Either way, I am hiking a shit-ton of mileage on my own unique adventure. I feel good about that and nobody else needs to worry about whether “it counts” or not. Boom.

2)Are you going alone?  Well, that was the original plan. Actually no. My original, original plan was to hike with a friend. But that fell through. For about 86% of the time I was planning (or not planning as discussed above) this hike, my intent was to go solo. But I connected with three guys from the Seattle area a month or so prior to leaving and as things worked out, we started the hike on the same day. Hadley and I had met and hiked together a few times prior, but I was meeting Mike and Elliott for the first time the day we started. Mike was the brains behind all of the planning and had arranged a ride with his friend to the trailhead. I tagged along and we spent the first week and a half or so together. Hadley and I parted ways with Mike and Elliot for a bit after Warner Springs (I needed to move forward to Idyllwild as my thyroid medications were there in a resupply box); Elliott and Mike parted ways here at Cajon (Elliott is anxious to get to Kennedy Meadows to meet up with his girlfriend); and Mike has now reconnected with Hadley and I. It’s pretty likely we’ll leap-frog a bit, connect, separate, and re-connect throughout this journey as we’ve done with countless other people so far. That kind of seems to be the way it goes around here. Either way, it’s pretty hard to be truly alone on this trail.

3)How can you leave your kids? This is the toughest of all the questions…one I’ve asked myself many, many times. I suspect this will likely be the subject of many upcoming blog posts, but for now, the short-ish answer is this: Because they have an incredible, supportive dad (Scott) who has remained one of my very best friends despite the fact that our marriage didn’t last. Because my sister Stefanie, my person, will be right next door to support Scott in caring for my babies. Because we have an amazing extended family and friends who are there to step in and help. Because I want to show them that anything is possible…that we don’t have to keep ourselves inside the box of anyone else’s expectations. Because my daughter thinks I’m a superhero. Because maybe it’s possible for my heart to be in two places at once.

The kids and I hung a big map on the wall before I left so they can follow along. Every time we talk, Luna marks my location the map. I call them regularly and send them love notes. We video chat when I have reception along the trail so they can “hike” with me and see what I am seeing. Technology is awesome, but it is no substitute for the hugs and snuggles I am missing. It is no substitute for being there to wipe their tears, take them hiking, lay on the trampoline counting stars, or any of the million and twelve normal, every-day things I often take for granted. I cry a lot. I spend an indescribable number of waking hours (and scarce battery) scrolling through old photos or watching the silly, auto-created google gifs of us making crazy faces at the camera. I can’t really explain in any justifiable way why I am here and not home being a normal parent. Except to say that I’m just not a normal parent.

My kids and I are close. We are very open with each other. We are connected at a heart level regardless of the physical space that currently separates us. I spent many, many years of my life being afraid to step outside of my comfort zone. A lot can happen in 2700 miles and despite my best intentions and ultimate determination, I may or may not make it to Canada this time. But if I can give my children one gift by example, as cliche as it might sound, I want them to see that anything is possible. That they can be, do, see, think, feel, experience anything. That they are not bound by what is “normal.” That the only limitations are the ones they impose upon themselves. Just by attempting this journey, I hope I am showing them them that while normal is great, it’s often overrated and always relative.

The beauty of life is that we each create our own version of normal and it doesn’t have to look like it does for anyone else. My hope for my babies is that they will grow with the courage to create their own stories rather than carry out some imposed obligation to follow the expected path.

4) What about your job? Basically, my job status lives somewhere in this fuzzy zone between a hard quit and a leave of absence without guarantees on either side. Nobody can predict the future and a lot can happen in the months I’ll be gone. I have a few options for when I finish, including the possibility of returning to my former position. But really, who knows where this journey may lead. I am open and I am curious.

5) Are you doing this because you read Wild? No. Partly because I haven’t read Wild, but for a few chapters. I have always been a reader, but have had almost zero time for it in my most recent former life. The author and I have very little in common aside from our name and the fact that we both experienced some major life changes prior to setting foot on the trail. This hike has been a bucket list item for me since I first learned of its existence…which was about 18 years ago. I didn’t think it would happen until my kids were older. But pieces of life fit together in strange ways, and here I am. I did, however, watch the movie with Luna about a week before I left and I enjoyed it. I respect anyone who is willing to authentically share their story and reveal bits of their soul. She hiked her hike and it changed her life. I can only hope for my own version of the same.
6) What are you going to do with your hair? Hair (and hygiene in general) is a very different ballgame out here. At home, I get to shower at least once every day. Skin care, hair care, blah, blah, blah…it all costs a fair amount of money and is pretty much all off the table as a thru-hiker with no source of income. I typically use exclusively Ouidad products which are specifically for curly hair and blow-dry with a diffuser. As a luxury on the trail, I am carrying a small amount of shampoo, conditioner, and hair gel (I canNOT say hair gel without immediately thinking about that scene in “There’s Something About Mary.” It’s like a permanent trigger).

So far on this journey, I’ve had the opportunity for a real shower about 6 or 7 times. Each one felt like the best shower of my life as the desert dirt reluctantly released from my skin in grimy layers. These magical cleansing events have ranged from a relatively cold solar shower at Ziggy and the Bear (trail angels), to a campground shower (that the rangers offered us for free because I’m female), to full-on hotel showers when people are kind enough to let me crash in their room (hotels are NOT in my budget). In these instances, I use my products and air dry.

In between shower opportunities, I have to get more creative depending on the circumstances. I am carrying a little bit of coconut and argan oils for my hair, skin, and emergency calories. Generally I’ll run a little of this through my hair to keep the tangles at bay, and when I have the opportunity to do so within a comfortable temperature range, I will dunk my head under water. Often, I just throw on a bandana and go.

The couple of days we spent at the Deep Creek Hot Springs were probably the cleanest I’ve felt this entire trip…key word being “felt.” Given the quantity of humans bathing in that creek, I’m pretty sure the actual cleanliness might be an illusion…but it felt fantastic! Deep Creek was kind of like a beautiful alternate reality for me…this place deserves it’s own post, but…I was essentially able to be naked for two days straight, bathe in all the different pools of varying temperatures, swim in the creek, walk in the sand, lay in the shade and let the warm breeze dry my hair. Keeping the focus on the original question, I only used oils while I was here…but most of the time I did nothing because I was just getting back in the water again anyway. And you know what? It survived!

It’s interesting to me how often we typically look in the mirror in real life. Every time I use the bathroom, every time I get out of the shower, and if I’m truly honest, every time I walk past a window or building facade with a reflective surface. Out here, I go several days without knowing what I look like. My entire body is often covered in grime, and since I eat like a five year old, there are typically bits of chocolate and whatever I had for breakfast on my face. It’s kind of nice to give zero fucks about this. It’s also nice when someone tells me about the chocolate because, well…I’m not actually a five year old.

7) What do you eat? I love this question! Food is my favorite!! ( I hope you read that in the voice of Buddy the Elf). So here’s the thing about food. I’m celiac so I can’t eat gluten. It is not an allergy, but an autoimmune reaction that will ultimately make me sick. My body also feels best when I avoid sugar, legumes, and most grains. So in my normal life, I eat pretty darned close to paleo. I often joke that I avoid grains unless they are distilled. And in reality that’s true, so I guess it’s not actually a joke. To give you a frame of reference, I’ve already talked about the minimal time I spent actually planning this adventure. Well, of that time, at least 73.579% was spent figuring out my food. Food is a big deal to me.

My staple is delicious freeze dried meals from PaleoMealsToGo. This awesome company sponsored me and gave me a 20% off code (CP20) to share with friends (this also tracks my referrals so it helps helps me out when people use it). The meals are amazing (even my junk food-loving hiking partner, Hadley loves them and is ordering them for his next resupply boxes). They might seem low in calorie content at first glance (the meaty ones are in the 400 range and the fruity/nutty ones are in the 600 range)… but I suggest paying attention to macro nutrients more than pure calories…the meals are full of super filling quality ingredients.

There are all sorts of studies on the importance of macros vs pure calories. If I was more organized, I’d provide links but if it interests you, check out http://www.EatToPerform.com, Google it, or just give it a try. Most thru-hikers I meet seem to check labels for whatever contains the most calories and survive on a diet of Mountain House, Snickers, Nutella, tortillas, and instant potatoes. In my completely non-scientific personal studies, the content of my calories matters more than the quantity. I am probably the only hiker out here who is not losing drastic amounts of weight and I attribute this to the fact that I am eating good, quality food…and it is such a treat to avoid typical backpacking meals with all the shitty filler ingredients. The flavor is incredible and the variety is delightful. One super awesome aspect of these meals is that they rehydrate easily with cold water as well as hot. This makes it possible to go stove-less if desired without being limited to food bars and jerky…or drinking olive oil (gag) as some do. I still carry a stove because I find comfort in hot tea and a good, warm meal when I’m cold (which is often the case). BUT to avoid pulling all the shit out of my bag in the middle of the hiking day, I’ll rehydrate my mid-day meal with unheated water which saves massive amounts of time and energy.

Aside from my beloved paleo meals, I LOVE the Paleo and Primal bars from Julian Bakery (can be also be ordered on amazon). They are my favorite! I also enjoy Lara bars, Kind bars, Epic bars, Picky Bars, Krave jerky, and ginger. Not all are 100% paleo, but I’m happy with the ingredients and they taste good. There are a few other snacky things I’ll eat here and there, but they are escaping me at the moment. Also, I’m not strict on the paleo thing…it’s just the closest label that fits my dietary restrictions.  I also use gluten free instant oatmeal packets and protein powder. My favorite protein is SFH Recovery.

8) What gear are you using? I will review most of my gear in more detail after more trail time, but here is a quick run-down of what I’m using. I am carrying an Osprey Exos 58L pack (which replaced my Gregory in Mount Laguna) and I mostly love it. The chest clip has a few issues and I wish the brain was extendable, but it is light and comfortable. I am currently using an MSR Freelight tent which is comfortable, light, and easy. I have also tried the MSR thru-hiker mesh tent and awning which is great in many ways, but not the best fit for me at the moment.

I am absolutely in LOVE with my MSR Guardian filter…it is fast and thorough and functions well in the sketchiest of water sources. We’ve been asked for help multiple times when other hikers were struggling with filling their Sawyer bags or having difficulty getting rid of the nasty taste and floaty bits from certain locations. It’s only “downside” is that it weighs about a pound which is a lot for most thru-hikers who typically carry the 3-ish ounce Sawyer Squeeze. The peace of mind and the time savings are worth more to me than those extra ounces.

I am also carrying my beloved MSR Reactor stove. It weighs about the same as the Jetboil with the same capacity but is far more fuel efficient and wind resistant. In a head to head snow-melting competition up around 6000′ in February, the Reactor boiled about three pots* of snow to the Jetboil’s one. Out here in the desert, nine times out of ten* the guys couldn’t get their stoves lit in the wind and ended up using mine. Easy and worth it.

My entire sleep set-up is Thermarest and consists of a four season mattress, sheet, quilt, and waterproof blanket. It’s awesome, but I’ll soon be trading out for a warmer bag. The set-up is a bit much as a daily chore and I’ll soon need a warmer bag anyway. The waterproof blanket kicks some serious ass though and I can’t wait to review it further. I will likely hang onto it even after switching out my bag.

Other miscellaneous gear includes a reghargeable battery, Delorme InReach, my beloved green OR puffy jacket rescued by Eve and Quinn after my post self-arrest yard sale one week before leaving (read about this in the Winchester Lookout post here), and a few other things that are escaping me. I don’t want to empty the pack for the sake of being more thorough at this point, but rest assured I’ll have plenty to write about gear. In the meantime, the main message is I LOVE MSR and Outdoor Research!

9) How can I follow you? Right here! I am finally blogging!! This will not likely be much of a trail journal as it is for other bloggers…I am journaling the old fashioned way in my little Moleskine to keep track of the day to day happenings. This space will constantly evolve as I figure out what I like to write about and what you like to read…I thrive on constructive feedback so let me have it!

I am also regularly updating my Instagram  and Facebook with photos, snippets from my journey, and little bits of randomness I think about while I’m out here.

Hadley and I have also been live broadcasting through Facebook around once a week. This is pretty fun for us and seems to be fun for those that watch. It’s all dependent on location, but we try to announce it at least a few hours ahead of time so people can tune in, ask questions, and listen to our often humorous accounting of the happenings on the trail. Like us both on Facebook and sign up for broadcast notifications to be sure not to miss us!

8) How can I help? Long story short, my main source of funding for this trip fell through at the last minute. Due to a hangup in the refinance underwriting, we have to reapply in the fall after I return…which means With some encouragement from my sister and my ex husband, and some creative juggling, I’ve been able to make it work so far. Hadley and I are both receiving tons of amazing support from friends and family back home and I can honestly say, I would not be here without it. Some friends and family are sending resupply boxes. Some friends with businesses are sponsoring my resupply in exchange for some exposure. I also have a GoFundMe account for those who would like to contribute financially. My sister Stefanie, and my dear friend Nichol are organizing the mission to support my hike. Contact Stefanie for more info.

Other ways to help include checking out my sponsor and ordering their awesome food! The more business I send their way, the more credit I get. Coupon code CP20 for 20% off! Follow Hadley and I on Facebook and Instagram, share our posts, and help us gain exposure. All of that stuff is awesomely helpful and so appreciated!

This is my first time blogging and I’m honored that you took the time to read this. I love questions and feedback, so please comment away and I’ll do my best to respond to everything. I want to write what you want to read! xo

*Sarcasm and/or unofficial perception-based statistics, not to be considered exact